League Of Fools
by A.Fox
Summary: Come reader to a tale containing an incompetent band of adventurers, an evil doctor, bizzarre characters, and an out of character Mycroft Holmes reviews gladly accepted.
1. Desperate Times…

(Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters)

Chapter One: Desperate Times…

London: August 5th 1899

Unlike most stories it was not a dark and stormy night, where our tale began, no in fact this story began on a baking blistering Sunday, where it was so hot outside matches lit themselves.

People were burning up in this great heat, as was shown when the clothes on two tramps burst into flame causing the pair to dive in the river.

Yes it was hot, hot, HOT…except in the offices of M15 the nerve center of British defense, which I may add had the world's first (and only at that time) air conditioner, which was manned and powered by 186 juvenile delinquents but I'm getting off topic.

The head of M15 Mycroft Holmes the brother of Sherlock Holmes was doing paperwork at the time and hadn't been aware that he was missing the keys to the British museum, (or it's secret annex at least.)

"I realize now" he said later "how stupid it was to submit to a full body check…seriously I'm the head of British bloody intelligence."

According to eyewitnesses and some random freako named Ally Sloper, we found that the keys had been stolen by a doctor who shall remain nameless at this time.

The keys were then used to break into and loot the British museum of everything that wasn't nailed down, an easy feat seeing as no thanks to the heat the police were staying in the river (thanks a lot you (censored)).

Needless to say after this was discovered a week later, when the heat died down (and destroyed almost all the cloth in England) Mycroft knew something had to be done.

"Of course the only problem, is that we have no minions to (censored) these rapscallions" said Mycroft so looking for people to form a scab League, to replace the absence of a proper League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Mycroft selected members for what would later be known as "the League of Fools."

The first man to get in was Colonel Sebastian Moran an English crime boss, and minion of the presumably deceased Professor Moriarty, Moran was an excellent shot with his "air rifle" a fantastic device which while resembling a shotgun shot regular bullets and made almost no noise.

However the Colonel has been prone to bad luck recently and has suffered various accidents, one which occurred while playing cricket when he got hit with a cricket ball and was sent aloft, the colonel crashed in China were the people there upon seeing his landing simply shrugged and went back to work remarking under their breath "silly English (censored))."

The second man selected was Dr. Alphonse Moreau, a brilliant surgeon who through surgery made various animals humanoid, and was the founder of both the study of genetic engineering…and Furry Fandom.

However the doctor was prone to random outbursts of utter nonsense, which Mycroft dismissed as "lunacy."

The third member was a man known as Popeye the Sailor, who was arguably the only competent member of the group.

Strong as an ox, tough as nails, somewhat smart, and could drive a ship through even the toughest storms this man had more then enough strength to make up for his colleagues incompetence…good for him.

The fourth member was a German Baron named Karl Freidrich Hieonymous Von Münchausen, who had been famed for his many greats feats and deeds (most of which we're still trying to prove) which include being swallowed by a whale, riding a cannon ball, going to the Moon, and pulling himself out of a swamp with his own bootstraps.

However he was cursed with an instinct to bet money on almost any possible wager, for example he once bet 999999999 pounds that he could spit farther then someone else (which he did) however if he should lose he would probably lose all his money.

And lastly Hawley Griffin the REAL Hawley Griffin, contrary to popular belief he didn't get tortured to death by the late Edward Hyde, instead the man killed was an imposter named Tomas Marvel who had rebuilt Griffin's invisibility formula, and used it to help him rape young English schoolgirls (which caused him to lose weight that kind of thing does that to you) until he went to work for the First Murry League now Griffin like Marvel was a sex fiend, but unlike Marvel he talked women into having sex with him his logic being that "ladies dig invisible men."

British intelligence agent Campion Bond gave this eyewitness account, when he went to his hideout at "Miss Rosa Coote's Correctional Academy For Wayward Gentlewomen."

"I went through the halls of the establishment with a squad of ten and twenty policemen for protection, after two hours searching we finally found a room with a bed that appeared to contain two young schoolgirls (whose names I learned later were Polly Whittier and Olive Chancellor) it was first thought they were lesbians until I noticed a lump in the bed that looked like a man only when he pulled it away no one was there.

"Having succeeded in finding the sod we promptly attempted to recruit him, which wasn't very successful at first as he just wanted to go back go having sex saying such things as 'yes, yes, yes now will you please go away I'm trying to get laid' or 'look you stupid bastard I have important business now will you go off and screw a goat or something' it took us a few hours but we managed to talk him into working for us at the expense of finding him 667 attractive women, and that we left him alone for ten minutes with all the schoolgirls in the facility plus the faculty, which we agreed to of course (we didn't have a choice) the noise that came next left a ringing in my ears for days but I knew I would get a promotion for this…to bad the little bugger didn't let me watch him do his stuff."

A week later after getting them all Mycroft had them meet him in the (ransacked) British Museum, of course he was delayed several times by various factors including (but not limited to) falling cows, tramps trying to sell him collies, and outhouses on wheels that were speeding at some man by the last name of Blackadder (well this is jolly old England isn't it?).

When he finally got there he was disheveled, (due to a collision with a swarm of flying pigs) gathering them to the (ransacked) dining room we have the transcript of the meeting right.

(People enter room)

Mycroft: alright has everyone got here?

Moran: I'm 'ere

Moreau: chicken

Popeye: I be here

Baron Münchausen: present

Griffin: do you have to ask?

Mycroft: alright then you have all been assembled to tackle the problem that confronts us today, to stop the relentless fiend that threatens England today not Martians nor the Napoleon of Crime no some great mysterious fiend…say this reminds me of a story I heard in my youth it goes something like this…

Everyone Else: GET ON WITH IT

Mycroft: alright (ingrates) the threat we face today is none other then the burglary of our own British Museum, which contains items of such grandness and such awe inspiring power, it would make you do things that would be out of character…say that reminds me of another story…

Everyone Else: GET (censored) ON WITH IT.

Mycroft: (in an annoyed tone of voice) as I was saying our island home…

Baron Münchausen: not mine.

Mycroft: say what?.

Baron Münchausen: I said my island home isn't in danger.

Mycroft: but that doesn't make sense you don't live on an island.

Baron Münchausen: wrong I won a private island in a bet once…I believe it was with a Mister Hawkins I believe yes, say have I told you about the time I…

Mycroft: yes, yes, yes now on to more important matters…

Baron Münchausen: hey you didn't hear what I had to say .

Mycroft: I didn't need to you were probably going to make some ludicrous remark like 'I once fought Captain Pysse Gummes off using only my pinky finger'.

Baron Münchausen: (astonished) I don't believe it how did you guess what I was going to say?

Mycroft: (perfectly calm) because you already told me this story now as I was saying…

Griffin: excuse me sir I have a question.

Mycroft: (still calm) what is it?

Griffin: I was wondering when I get some of the women I was promised?

Mycroft: ten of them are already in your room for after this meeting.

Griffin: (interested) REALLY(secretly leaves the room)

Mycroft: any more questions Griffin (waits for a few seconds) none? Good now as I was saying…

Moran: sir…

Mycroft: (slightly irritated) what is it now?

Moran: I was wondering what kind of health care plan do you have?

Mycroft: (surprised) what health care plan?

Moran: you know what kind of health care plan do we get?

Mycroft: w-we don' have one

Moran: are you sure?

Mycroft: (more irritated) if I did have one I'd know about it wouldn't I

Moran: maybe you're lying to avoid giving us our…

Mycroft I'm not lying moron

Moran: you mean Moran don't you?

Mycroft: Moran moron what's the bleeding difference

Moran: well easy the fourth letter is an a as opposed to moron…

Mycroft: may we get on to more important…

Moreau: sir

Mycroft: (clearly annoyed by now) what is it?

Moreau: what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swall-

Mycroft: (now he's pissed) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER MOTHER******* DUMB QUESTION

Popeye: sir I gots a question…

Mycroft: NOT ONE MORE MOTHER******* DUMB QUESTIONS

Popeye: I was going to ask who robbed this museum

Mycroft: (astonished) I-I-I am surprised that you actually asked a question that made sense

Popeye: well if ya don't ansker me quickly you're gonner wish I had when I get done witch you

Mycroft: good as I was going to say earlier before I got reputably interrupted the museum was robbed by the evil

(silence fills the room…then Baron Münchausen belts him upside the head)

Mycroft: Ow what was that for?

Baron Münchausen: for not saying that in the first place

Mycroft: I would told you that but none of you would listen

Popeye: shuts up the both or' ye, Mycroft are you sure it was Nikola?

Mycroft: if our eyewitness is correct and not drunk then yes

Popeye: thisk is seriusk Nikola'sk got a mean streak a miler wide you did the right thing in gathering us Mr. Holmes

Moreau: you know I was just wondering how did you get that speech impediment?

Popeye: (silent) I dorn't' know

Mycroft: anyways I would call for my normal minions, but they have been sent to America at this time so I have sent for you to help Great Britain, by breaking into Nikola's secret lair, beat the (censored) out of him and steal back everything that isn't nailed down

Moran: well now that we know our job I move that we adjourn this meeting, and go to bed so we can set out tomorrow morning

Moreau: I second that notion

Popeye: me makesnk three

Baron Münchausen: me fourth

Mycroft: what say you Griffin (wait's a few seconds) Griffin? (looks around the room with a confused look on his face) Griffin where are you? (hears bumping from the room above them) what the (censored) (stands on the table (did I mention there was a table and chairs) and puts his ear on the roof)

Griffin: (muffled) that's right ladies I'm an invisible man and guess what THAT means is invisible.

The sound of giggling is heard from the women

Mycroft: (not confused anymore now he's pissed again) 

The transcript ends here as Mycroft, with the meeting being finished stormed upstairs to berate Griffin for his lewd activities when he was supposed to be attending the meeting

Needless to say the others not bothering to listen to Mycroft chewing out griffin, went to their rooms so they could sleep

All except Colonel Moran who tripped, fell out a window, and spent the night unconscious in a garbage can

(well there it is now here is where you review this if you feel like it just please don't send flames)


	2. The Author breaks the Fourth Wall

(I do not own anything in this Fanfic)

Chapter Two: The Author breaks the Fourth Wall

The night after this group had taken their rest they were seen of by Mycroft Holmes, who wanted to make sure they couldn't ruin anything else.

As if to add insult to injury it turned out that the train they were originally going to take had been cancelled due to it having been derailed by some Knight who refused to give up (even though it ran him over and surprisingly enough he survived) forcing them to use something else for transport.

And before you ask no it wasn't a flying carpet…it was a Veloci-Midden.

A Veloci-Midden was a steam powered portable toilet designed and built, by that great idiot the "Fergus of Fergus" who thought the idea up after saying "What A' wouldnae gi' for a gret beg mobile lavvy."

It was small in size and to make matters worse it didn't have any brakes and this was an even bigger problem when it went downhill where it would go up to speeds of at least 130 miles per hour.

Nevertheless they were forced to go out riding the vehicle with Popeye in the drivers seat, (where he could make sure they wouldn't crash the thing) Griffin wasn't wearing clothes so he could make sure his reputation wouldn't be ruined by being seen on the vehicle, Moreau couldn't care less and was making a tremendous racket so everyone could see him, and Baron Münchausen decided to make the best of this and acted like he was in a parade.

Moran however suffered the worst for you see he had the "runs" and went into the toilet part to take a dump, however Moreau decided to get more attention by lifting the curtain up so everyone could see what was happening, and Moran (who was reading the Daily Brute newspaper at the time) didn't suspect a thing.

He later said "it was the worst day of my life…except for the time I was taking a shower and an explosion flung me into a women's sewing club."

When he finally realized what happened he yanked the curtain down so no one could see him, Moreau didn't like that so he cut it free Moran noticed this even quicker then last time and merely covered his face with his newspaper.

It was then that this League's first challenge showed up, as mentioned before the Veloci-Midden had no brakes, and it just went over the infamous "Dead Man's Hill" a hill so steep even a 16 ton weight would slide down.

And so the Veloci-Midden sped down the hill accidentally running over several pedestrians in the process, it's rain of destruction was stopped when it accidentally ran into a coin and was sent aloft.

No one knows what happened in the air, however the aeronaut Jean Robur had that day complained about "a group of idiots who interrupted my luncheon" which explains why Moran had eggs on his face when they landed.

They crashed in some near Loch Ness (AKA the lake with the wee beasties) where they continued their journey on foot.

However an even greater danger approached them the transcript for it is below

(the League is seen walking through the woods when a black clad man jumps down from a tree brandishing a revolver)

Man: freeze turkeys I'll be taking all yer dough

Popeye: (rolls up his sleeves) now lerk here buster we be an exerurnary league in serfice o' England so shove off ya swab

Man: (rolls his eyes) oh please you're the only competent member in this group, I'd know I'm an alternate version of the author

Münchausen : (confused) what author?

Man: oops I guess you weren't supposed to hear that (clears throat) allow me to introduce myself I am professional lunatic (pulls out a card that says " PROFESSIONAL LUNATIC" in gold letters)

Popeye: well either way yer getten out orv me way

Man (hereafter referred to as ): well in that case I'll get you a real challenge…THE BEAST, the beast whose tail extends like a CEDER TREE, the Beast who breathes fire hot enough to melt diamonds, the Beast who personally slaughtered five hundred wombats yes I SUMMON THE BEAST!!!

Moran: I just soiled myself

(several trees are knocked down and a terrible rumbling is heard, the League members all hide behind Popeye who isn't phased by this, suddenly the bushes nearby part to show…a normal sized alligator)

: (shocked) YOU you're not the Beast, where's the Beast?

Alligator: (looks up) he can't come

: what?Alligator: he can't come

: (irate) look matey I know a lot about Beasts, and if there's one thing they're good for it's coming when they're called…that and tearing helpless travelers limb from limb

Alligator: but he can't come

: why?

Alligator: he's in Langley

: what is he doing in Langley?

Alligator: he's visiting his auntie

: Beasts have aunties?

Alligator: of course don't you have an auntie?

: I used to until my Aunteater got loose

Alligator: you mean anteater

: no I said Aunteater and I meant Aunteater

The rest of this wasn't interesting enough to record after twelve minutes, so Popeye hit on the head with a rock and knocked him out so he would leave them alone.

The League then journeyed to Loch Ness where they found a place to stay for the night…except for Griffin who decided to "sample the local delicacies" (hint, hint) and didn't return until the following morning.

(I hope this was alright and like last time reviews are gladly accepted)


	3. Meet Alan “Squiffy” Moore

(welcome back to chapter 3 readers in which the hunt for begins and various factors complicate things)

Chapter Three: Meet Alan "Squiffy" Moore

Now that the miscreants had rested they set off again for the lair of the evil Dr. Nikola first having to go downtown to pick up Griffin.

After picking up the invisible pervert they began searching near Loch Ness where they saw a family of monsters having a picnic and Moran decided he should bag one so that he may prove his manhood however it turned out they were bulletproof and all it did was drive them to maul him.

After going back into town to get him to a doctor they began searching the town however they were interrupted by robbing a bank with a banana (it was a very big banana).

They were then hamstringed by the fact that Moran's hospital bill was literally ten miles long and cost them an amount of money comparable to the current national dept.

Then they had to stop at a "alligator crossing" which took about half a day to finish however the greatest threat to their operation that day was yet to come.

It came when they were stopping to ask someone for directions, and who should wander out of the woods…none other then Mr. Alan "Squiffy" Moore (famed British travel author and delusional explorer) and Mr. Kevin O'Neil (illustrator and London gangster who faked his death in 1892) we have the transcript of the visit right here.

(League is seen conversing with a tramp when Moore stumbles out of a bush dressed in raggedy explorer clothes and a pith helmet caked in pigeon dung, O'Neil is wearing formal evening dress and carrying an oversized pen).

Moore: are you looking for it too?

Moran: (turns to face him) who are you?

Moore: I am Alan Moore better known as Squiffy, and I asked are you looking for it too?

Moran: depends are you looking for

Moreau: I see polka dots lovely polka dots la, la, la, la

Moore: (looks at Moreau like he's a mad dog)

Popeye: igner him 'e's insane

Moore: what an incredible coincidence so am I

Popeye: I'm don't even want to know (walks away)

Moran: now as I was about to say what is it?

Moore: it's the lost treasure of Agrabah

Münchausen : (looks up with interest) you're going after a genie lamp

Moore: no that's what it used to be it's changed now

Münchausen: to what?

Moore: (looks both ways and speaks in a whisper) one hundred thousand pounds worth of women's underwear

Griffin: (now very interested) REALLY?Moore: yes it is true I have the map right : (swoops down on a hang glider) HAHAHAHA FOOLS YOUR TREASURE IS MINE NOW HAHAHAHA

Moore: (looks confused) how strange I just had it in my hand a second ago oh well I'll just draw a new one

Moran: you mean you memorized that map?

Moore: if I memorized it I wouldn't have a map in the first place would I?

Moran: well then were you there when the treasure was buried?Moore: no it was buried in the rein of Queen Glorianna the First and I was born in 1847 so I wouldn't know

Moran: (enraged) THEN HOW THE BLOODY HELL WOULD YOU KNOW HOW TO WRITE A NEW MAP?

Moore: well I don't see what the problem is after all I drew that map too

O'Neil: say out of curiosity where did you hear about this treasure in the first place

Moore: Weekly World News, why do you ask?

O'Neil: (clubs Squiffy on the head) you idiot you drew as a map to a treasure that doesn't exist

Moore: no impossible the Weekly World News never lies

O' Neil: if it said your old man was a crossdresser would you believe it?

Moore: well it would explain why my mothers clothes get lost

(suddenly a treasure map flies by)Moore: look a real treasure map AFTER IT

(the two run off after the map)

Popeye: (walks back in) ur them idjits gone yet?

Moran: yep it's hard to believe they were following a homemade map

: (flies back in) …now let's see now a right turn at Dead Man's Pass…

It was then that they ran into a twenty foot tall man that looked like a mandrill.

The man's name was Magellan, and he was sent by something called the "World Government" whatever it was it was not native to our Earth.

Anyways he asked our colleges if they knew where he could get some poison soup, they did not answer his question as his breath for some reason acted like poison gas.

As the had ran away, they noticed that the day was completely used up due to these problems, so they went back to their rooms and waited for the next day.


	4. Brave Sir Robin

(and here dear reader is the fourth chapter in which things get weirder as they near Nikola's stronghold.)

Chapter 4: Brave Sir Robin

The group got up again from their rest, and this time went along a straight path in hopes of not running into idiots.

They would have no such luck as they ran into Moore and O'Neil, who were still chasing the map, and some fat guy dressed up as a pirate calling himself Marshall D. Teach.

As they were looking along they saw a zombie, a vampire, Van Helsing, and a homunculus playing poker.

The vampire made a snide remark and Van Helsing swiftly killed it in a fit of rage saying later 'serves you right you bloody C***."

Popeye asked them for directions to Nikola's castle only for Helsing to tell them it wasn't in the area, he was going to give them directions when a flyer for a "sparkly Vampire convention" flew by him and as everyone knows Helsing hates all vampires but those are the kind he hates the most.

The vampire hunter ran off with a couple of massive crossbows screaming bloody murder.

So needless to say he wasn't going to be of much help.

They went further down the road where they saw near said convention, where he was calmly watching the massacre while eating popcorn, they asked him where the castle was but he refused to tell for as he put it "shut up this is my favorite part."

So they went off where they finally got somewhere we have the transcript here

(League is seen walking through the woods, when a knight comes along pretending to ride a horse, he is followed by a man who is clacking coconuts, and a band of minstrels)

Popeye: ahoy ye swab does ye know wer Dr. Niklola is?

Knight: who?

Moran look could you just tell as who you are?

Knight: (is about to speak but cut off by minstrel)Minstrel: he is the brave Sir Robin Sir Robin who…

Knight: (hereafter referred to as Sir Robin) shut up (turns to League) uh nobody really

Popeye: nobody eh?

Sir Robin: well I am a knight of the Round Table…

Münchausen: (surprised) YOU'RE A KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE?

Sir Robin: yes

Münchausen: well then in that case I shall have to kill you

Sir Robin: WHATMünchausen: just kidding

Sir Robin: (lets out a sigh of relief)

Münchausen: although I demand to know why you are hereSir Robin: well I just came from Camelot to find the Holy Grail

Münchausen: oh that old thing? I already have one

Sir Robin: there can't be two Holy Grails

Münchausen: well either way it doesn't matter now will you help us find or notSir Robin: who's he?Münchausen: he's an evil occultist who has killed more people then the Black Plague

Sir Robin: (visibly suite nervous) oh gee look at the time…

Münchausen: (grabs him) on second thought you're coming with us it might be useful to have a brave knight with us

Vampires: (rush by so fast they can't be seen) RUN FOR YOUR NO GOOD LIVES)

Van Helsing: (is seen close behind the vampires dressed like Rambo and duel wielding two crossbows each one the size of his arm and is also dressed like Rambo) AAAAHHHHH

Münchausen: who does he think he is? Some crazy war veteran?

The League now with the shanghaied Sir Robin and his minstrels in tow, they finally found Nikola's lair…and if you want to know how they knew it was his well when there's a giant neon sign reading "LAIR OF " on top of the door odds are It's on the level.

Also worth noting, is that Alan "Squiffy" Moore and Kevin O'Neil were seen still chasing the treasure map.


End file.
